How To Manage Your Emotions When Under The Pressures Of A Relationship?
Watch this post for my step by step guide for how to get those emotions under wrap and fill a little bit more under control in those really difficult times in your relationship. For the best guidance and support in the world of emotion.
I’m a therapist and emotion specialist and I’m passionate about helping people understand the world of emotion and especially understanding how the understanding of emotion and emotion management, I believe is the pathway to strong, connected, confident you.
By the end of this post, you will have the information that you need to keep things under control when you are in those difficult pressure moments in a relationship.
I proven these results with hundreds of my clients and now it’s your turn.
So number one in managing those emotions is knowing that you are responsible for your own emotions.
No one else is responsible for your emotions except for you.
Often I hear the phrase, she made me angry.
He made me sad. In reality, no one can make you feel anything.
People can be the kindling for how you feel, but they can’t make you feel.
And the reason why is because your feeling comes from inside of you and for the most part based on stuff from your past that has been stored away for retrieval when necessary.
So whatever’s going on in that moment is not really that much about that moment.
That moment just spurred up a whole lot of stuff from the past.
So whatever’s going on, if you’re in a space or situation with a significant other, whatever’s going on, they are not responsible for, they just evolved.
What they’re responsible for is kicking up what’s inside of you.
They are not responsible for the emotional experience that’s happening inside of you.
Number two is to understand where emotion comes from.
So I explained in another post you can catch right there.
And in that post I explain a little bit more about emotional comes from, but essentially emotion is experiences of the past that had been stored in the mind to protect you in the future. For example, let’s say you had that first young love in high school and they broke your heart and because that was such an overwhelming, hurtful experience, your mind stored in this memory brain compartment, what that felt like to feel so distraught, terrible, heartbroken, and what happens is the mind stores an imprint of the physiology of what that was like. Meaning it stores a memory of how your heart was racing, how your head might’ve heard, how your stomach might’ve felt terrible and all of this stuff your body remembers, your mind remembers and the brain does not like pain.
It always works to move you away from pain. Fast forward now to this relationship, you’re in a situation and you are feeling all of this unease coming up inside of you. It’s all based on whatever has happened in past.
So in that moment, whatever’s coming out from the person in front of you, they are not responsible for what is coming up inside of you.
It’s very common, especially in a relationship that we try to make the other person responsible for that behavior or for that feeling that is inside of us.
So when feeling emotional in a moment with somebody, when you’re in a relationship with someone, those feelings are very powerful and very strong, but you are responsible for what’s coming up inside of you, not the other person. So a good example of this is texting. When you add a significant other or your dating or your interrelationship, often there can be communication around texting.
Different people have different ideas of the types of communication that they like to have.
A common thing that I hear is when someone texts and they’re expecting someone to text back or they’re expecting them to text back a certain type of content or they’re expecting them to text back or within a certain time frame, if either of those things don’t happen, the receiver starts to feel very uncomfortable and because they’re feeling uncomfortable, they often think it’s the other person’s fault, issue, problem, mistake, that they did not attend to what ever was needed so that this uncomfortable feeling didn’t happen. So for example, you text your significant other, they don’t text for about four hours and you’re like, where are you?
Why have you not texted? I’m really getting angry inside, or I’m feeling really hurt inside because you didn’t attend to me.
That hurt and anger that you feel inside you are responsible.
Not that unless of course they said they would text you in a short amount of timeframe or you already have an agreement about that, but maybe something came up.
But the bottom line is what you feel inside of you, you are responsible for it because it’s most likely what you’re feeling inside has very little to do with the fact that that text didn’t produce the results that you wanted but has to do with stuff from the past, rejections from the past, issues of not feeling close to this, to people in the past that comes from you.
So when you’re emotional in a moment, in a relationship are under pressure and these pressure moments of communication or conflict, you are responsible for what is inside of you, not the other person. Now I can hear some of you going in your mind, wait a second, but they said they would do this or they said they would do that or, or part of our relationship was an agreement of this. Fair enough.
But still what’s happening inside you, you are responsible for.
So say for example, the text was supposed to come in and you’re just being disregarded, you are still responsible for the fact that that doesn’t feel good.
So if you’ve said to this person, look, I need you to be more attentive to me and they’re not in that moment, and you can’t say, well, it makes me feel upset and you’re not doing what I need you to do.
It’s your responsibility to say, listen, if you can’t meet this need, this isn’t gonna work for me.
And do you take ownership for that and do something about it instead of trying to have the other person take ownership and do something about it.
The point being, you are responsible for what happens inside of you, not another person. Now number three, and this is a big one, is that you are responsible for your own emotional needs.
Often in relationships for seeking someone else to be responsible for our emotional needs, but you need to be responsible for yours.
So if you’re in the heat of the moment in a relationship, it’s important to check in with what’s going on inside of you and know that you are the one that’s supposed to provide the deepest emotional need for you and your partner is just an added bonus. For example, I was working with somebody who was going through a divorce, very distraught, very sad, and felt like they had done everything possible to make their spouse happy.
They had given up jobs, given up friends given up Lifestyles would do anything to make this person happy. However, the reason that the other partner gave for finally deciding wanting to leave the marriage was because he never did enough to make her happy.
And she even went as far as to saying that he didn’t buy her flowers, he didn’t get her chocolates and didn’t do all these kinds of things. So what we know from her saying the chocolates and flowers, that’s kind of more superficial and there’s always deeper stuff under there.
But the bottom line is she was saying, you don’t make me happy, but what you hear from this other person is from their perspective and their energy space, they did everything possible to make this person happy. Now, I did only work with one, one of these people, I didn’t work as a couple.
This was just one person I was working with. But what I do know is that he’s not responsible to make her happy. This, it sounded like this woman had a list of here’s all the things you need to do to make me happy. And I do hear this often where men say, just give me a list.
Like just give me a list and I’ll follow list and I’ll do whatever you want me to do. And women say, I’m making this gender specific, but this is how I’ve heard it. Women will say, well, well I don’t, it’s not romantic if I have to make you list, you should just know what I want. But that’s a whole communication issue.
So what you do here coming out of this is a woman or a partner person who had a list. Here’s what you need to do to make me happy.
Someone who perceives that they did it. Every time there was a list, I did exactly what was on the list to the point that they were losing touch with themselves.
Which to me is a clear indicator that the person asking for another person to take care of their happiness means that’s never possible.
It is impossible. Another person can’t make you happy.
Happiness comes from inside of you.
And this is a very common in relationships where we seek an outside source to fill the inner pains and the inner holes that we have.
But as long as you do that, you will never feel satiated.
You will never feel happy because another adult isn’t there to fill those spaces. Those spaces are there for you to do, which I believe comes from going through the pains that are inside of you to manage your emotions, to grow closer to yourself.
That’s information for another post. Um, if you want a post on that, comment below, if there’s something here that seems like there’s more that you want, let me know. Let me know if this is making sense to you. But in a relationship, you are responsible for your happiness.
You cannot enter a relationship hoping that someone will make you happy.
Someone will be the answer to your dreams when you’re not happy yourself.
So when you’re sitting in one of these heated under pressure moments in a relationship, there is a lot of emotion.
There’s a lot of stuff going on when you share an interim intimate space and there’s a lot of biochemistry that can cloud your mind, clouds your clarity. There’s lots of past emotional stuff that’s in there, so it’s really, really hard.
So the most important thing is that you know that you are responsible for your own emotions, that you understand where they come from, which is past based, and that you understand that nobody can make you feel a certain way.
It comes from inside of you.
So a good example of this is conflict In a relationship.
One person makes a comment and the other person gets defensive.
It might not have been intended that way, a miscommunication and misunderstanding, but you get defensiveness. And then defensiveness creates a reaction, which then creates defensiveness back in the other partner.
And then soon it becomes this ping pong match of back and forth.
Every time the ping pong gets a little bit faster and a little bit harder as each person tries to win. And winning is, I was right.
You heard me. That’s actually what’s underneath it.
It’s not that the person wants to be right, it’s that the person wants to be hurt for whatever the first comment came out, there was something behind it and they want to be validated for what they said.
They want to be heard. And under every fight that happens in a relationship, there’s one person saying, here’s something going on for me.
They might not do it the best way possible to communicate that, but that’s what’s happening and the other person hears.
That’s not really a true reflection of me. So now I have to defend myself and that it keeps going back and forth. Well, but I didn’t mean it that way. I want you to hear me.
Can you hear me in my need?
And it goes back and forth and back and forth where each person has a desire, a need, a desperation to just be heard and validated for what is coming out of their mouth. And when that happens, everything kind of settles.
So if you’re in a situation where things are getting worked up, the pressure time in the relationship in a conversation, if you can hold yourself neutral and not engage in that moment, that will help everything to settle. Now, especially if you don’t agree because that’s when things get the most crazy is when you don’t agree with what’s coming out of the person’s mouth. But if it’s already an emotional space or it’s already something like pressure means there’s, there’s, there’s most likely emotion here. The I the, the key is to manage yours and managing yours means you don’t get pulled into the space of the person that you’re talking to, that you hold it neutral,hold it stable.
Either you just listen and let them get it out and then say, you know what?
I need some space to think about this and then we’ll come back or you tap out and say, you know the space you’re in.
I don’t want to be subject to what’s coming out of your mouth right now.
I’m going to take some space and we’ll talk later when that’s quieter, which I know can run into situations depending on the type of relationship that you’re in, but this is the way to control your emotion when you’re under pressure in a relationship is to know that the other person is not responsible for what you’re feeling inside.
Your response before that engaging in a space that’s already heightened is only going to cause more problems and taking space and attending to what’s inside you first before you re unite with this person to work through things when it’s calmer and when you’re able to manage your emotions and hold that space for yourself, that helps you feel more confident and strong inside.
Even though it’s very, very difficult in a relationship.
Now you have the tools you need to manage your emotions when under pressure in a relationship. To know that where emotion comes from, that you’re responsible for your own emotions and that you’re not responsible for what somebody else feels inside of them.
And thank you so much for watching the post and I’m here for you.