How To Boundary Setting?
Today I’m going to tell you about the fuck you fence.
Sorry Mom I’m working with a client and I have permission to share this with you.
And I told her I’d make a video just like please.
Yes I do. So this client is at a point in her life where she is making some changes for herself.
Some very big life changing decisions and she’s finding that she’s going and getting advice and counsel and guidance from everyone around her.
And it’s driving her crazy now.
The important thing to note about this client is that she is a giver her whole life.
She has been the one that gives and gives and gives to the point that even friends and family take advantage of her.
See her back story as she grew up with a single mom who had a difficult time managing her emotions and what happens for a child in that situation is a child’s system starts to fix itself starts to adapt itself in order to cater to the emotional needs of the parent.
Now the child doesn’t choose to do this it’s it’s a survival mechanism that evolves in the child because the child is dependent on the parent for their survival for their food their clothing their shelter.
So the organism of a child’s system starts to orient itself to the parent in a way to just try and keep the parent happy because if the parents happy then there’s a better chance that the child will be well taken care of. Even though it’s still compromised and then what happens is this type of child grows up and gets into relationships with people who take advantage of them because as a child as this is all developing a child doesn’t know how to separate the fact that mom’s just having a bad day from.
I need to respond in this way in order to survive.
So when you get older and you get in relationships you start to adapt and adjust your behavior to keep other people happy because if they’re happy then you will have love. Now this can only happen for so long and then your system finally gets tired of it and neither feels like you’re worthless or feels like you’re never going to get love well for this client she is taking the tremendous big steps to start doing things for herself as she starts to unravel and unwind and see the effects of her development on her behavior in the way she interacts with people.
Now the issue again is that she has even good friends who are taking advantage of her that are telling her will do this this is the best thing for you even when it benefits the friends.
So working with this client she was overwhelmed with all the voices around her.
So I said What is it you want.
And she said what I want is to find my own voice.
I want to be me.
I want to do what I need to do for me.
And so what came up in the moment in my thought which often happens when I’m with a client it’s I get these ideas that don’t come up when I’m not walking by myself. They come up with the client him with depending on what the client needs and what I came up with in that moment is all of a sudden I felt my fingers crawling up and oh I have to tell you this part. The important thing is other important part of the story is this client lives on a farm.
She loves farming and her horses.
So that’s an important part of who she is.
And so what came up in my head was my fingers started creeping up and they said how about you start creating the fucking fence and you start this and you put this fence all around you and the gauges.
Any time somebody is pressuring you to make a decision or telling you what to do and it starts to feel really overwhelming and uncomfortable and you’re losing sleep inside. That’s a good indication that it’s not the right thing for you because when you make a decision that’s right for you. The result is feeling more settled and more relaxed almost. So what she needs to do is to put up this fucking fence any time she’s feeling overwhelmed by the things people are pressuring around her that she just puts up a fence and closes the gate and just says like you or she could say it in a nicer way of course.
Now there is one issue with using a fucking fence.
If you’re a person who grew up trying to make everybody happy because what often also happens is you start to feel shame you start feel really bad about yourself or you feel guilty that you actually said no to someone. This totally makes sense because when you’re a child you Well actually I’ll make another video about that if you want to hear.
I could go into why and where shame comes from from being a young child but it makes sense that say no would make this client feel bad about herself because that happened a long time ago and she had her system had to adapt to catering to a mother with emotional needs or a parent with emotional needs.
So when this client is going to say fuck you but I’m the fucking fence she’s going to feel guilty and she’s going to feel very uncomfortable inside.
That’s the great opportunity for her to grow because now she knows that she doesn’t answer to anyone else.
She only answers to to her and I center.
Create a big huge neon sign that says I am not responsible for anyone else’s emotions.
So she says no to her friend who is telling her what to do because her friends saying this is the best thing for you but really it’s actually something that’s benefiting the friend more than my client.
That my client’s not responsible for the fact that the friend’s going to get upset if the friend gets upset and that’s hers to deal with not the client.
The client doesn’t have to feel shame guilt self-doubt bad things about her because someone else is having an emotional response to her decisions.
We’re not responsible for other people’s emotions.
We’re responsible responsible for ourself and for our behavior and for our conduct.